this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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