I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sorry about my life...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
