so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
