you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
