Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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