Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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