Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
