It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
