I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
