Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You're like the curious george of whores
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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