i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
