Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
