that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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