next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
