chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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