we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
