I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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