you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We're too hungover to prance.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
