WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
