I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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