I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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