guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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