Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
