i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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