lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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