do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
