trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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