Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
