You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
