you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
