I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
