I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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