My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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