i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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