She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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