I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
