lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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