i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
