mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
