i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
barbara walters just said penis...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
