My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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