come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
