i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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