Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just pynch a tree in the face
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
