Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
that may or may not have been my penis.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
