I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
