i just had sex bonerless
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
this hospital has no fireball
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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