im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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