she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
