I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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