saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
