Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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