I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
