Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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