Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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