Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
