I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize