if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
