i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
