What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
